Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
