I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
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I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
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My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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