So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
dude i'm inner monologue high
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
