Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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