how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
