I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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