My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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