the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
BRING THE BAGELS
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
