Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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