I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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