i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
