it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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