I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
