So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
