Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
