ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He passed out mid-signature
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
