3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
