I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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