I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
