never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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