Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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