if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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