You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
