My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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