Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
no you cant smoke seaweed
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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