i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
