so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i came on her dog
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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