Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
