im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
