I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
