This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
