My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Holy shit dude........stairs
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