Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
