The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
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