the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
