Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just had sex on a roof
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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