You smell like stripper and shame
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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