Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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