i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
