his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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