Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
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Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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