I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
my liver is dry heaving
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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