The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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