if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
