I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
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