I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
