Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
