I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
