If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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