Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
