My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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