I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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