I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
