I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.