For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.