I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.